Tuesday, July 15, 2008

life can be hard

It's been a lazy summer. I haven't blogged in about a week because, to be honest, I've been avoiding the big ol' elephant in the living room (and not wanting to talk or even write about it). We've been spending family time together, running errands, getting things ready, and basically laughing and crying a whole lot.

I'm so blessed. My life is so very, very full. I have a son who I simply couldn't live without. He's healthy, happy, and the light of my life. That right there should be enough. But I have more -- MUCH more. I have a husband who is better to me than I deserve. My parents are still alive and well, my twin sister (and best friend) is close enough to give me grief when I need it (and does she ever), and I'm literally surrounded by good friends and family. Seriously. What more could anyone want?

Which is why I feel so conflicted and guilty feeling the way that I do. It seems so selfish to be wanting more. But I do. I want our family together -- Ty, Aidan, and me. He leaves Monday to begin a two-year tour of duty far from home, and my heart aches so much, I just don't know how I'm going to find the strength to do it. And now that the reality of it is almost here, it's much worse than the thought of it ever was. And he's not even gone yet. I'm just not handling this with much grace.
I'm so proud that he's serving his country. So very proud. But I'm angry at the same time. I'm angry that we're "hoping" to see eachother for a few days in September, if we can make it work. I'm angry that Aidan is going to have to basically live without his daddy until he's four years-old. I'm angry that some small USCG station sitting on an Indian reservation in the Northwest is getting my husband, even though we need him so much more than they do.
I still can't believe we're in the situation that we're in, and I know that so many people have it so much worse. I keep thinking, "This just isn't how it was supposed to be. It's not what we planned." But then I try to remind myself that nothing ever is.

There's really no rhyme or reason to this blog entry. Other than I'm really sad. And it sucks. And my heart hurts.

No comments: